Oh the day started out fine...a normal Sunday morning...cleaning up around the house, some laundry, coffee while watching morning television in my pajamas. I decided I would go into my office to try to "ease" myself back into work mode after being on vacation for 2 weeks. I went in with promise of one little guilty pleasure as a reward...I stopped in Target to just walk around and treat myself to one little useless item...no idea what it would be but it was something to look forward to.
While I was in Target, my dad called me. From the tone of his voice, I could tell that something was wrong. He had gone to visit my mom in the nursing home. As he walked by the nurse's station, one of my mother's nurses stopped him. She shared that my mother was having a very bad day...she was having severe hallucinations. Now, the interesting thing here is that we've been telling the nursing staff and my mother's doctor that she is having severe hallucinations for months. They all deny that she is...I cannot tell you how frustrating this is...we see it, we experience it with her, we see the fear and absolute confused state that she is in EVERY DAY...but we cannot get the nursing home to agree that she is hallucinating. She tells us she sees scary monsters and people coming into her room to yell at her...people telling her bad things about our family...things like my dad is cheating on her. But...the staff and the doctor just do not see it and refuse to even evaluate her for this next phase of dementia. So much for US healthcare. My guess...and keep in mind this is just a guess...is that she is probably at Stage 6 of the 7 stages of dementia.
This is all evolving so rapidly...I just want to roll back the hands of time and have one more Christmas with us all together...the laughter...seeing my mom gush over every single gift regardless of what it was. But I can't. I think today, standing in the Housewares section of Target, I realized that we are heading into a terrifying phase with my mother...one that will not have a happy ending. We are grieving the loss of my mother even though she is physically here.
I simply feel lost.