Sunday, January 2, 2011

Taking a look inside...

I've been thinking a lot about 2011 and what I hope to accomplish...I have never made a New Year's me, I'm just not good at goal setting...but I do think I've learned a lot over the past year and want to make some changes in my life based upon those life lessons...
  1. Come to terms with my mom's illness and decline...Okay...see...I told you I'm not good at setting realistic goals!  This one is a biggie...and I don't know if I have enough time left on this earth to pull it off because it's going to take decades...I'm not even sure it is possible.  I so completely miss her...I never had the typical mother/daughter relationship with my mom.  I was, for the most part, the mother...even when I was just a child.  I can remember going with her to doctor's appointments (for her) at the age of 13.  She would just be there staring out into space and I would talk with doctor about her condition, medication, treatment, etc.  My dad had a job that prevented him from going to most doctor appointments, so I was his stand-in.  Part of me feels as though I'm watching my child die a slow and painful death.  But I do want to try to get emotionally stronger.  My dad is such an incredible role model for me...he is so strong and is dealing with the entire situation with grace and humility.I aspire to be like him.
  2. Get back to visiting Mom & Dad on a regular basis...over the past two months it has literally been one thing after another...a car accident, bad weather and now, the disaster in my kitchen that has prevented me from being able to go visit and help them.  I have a feeling the next couple of months will be riddled with various snow storms but hopefully I can work some trips up there and provide them with more support and help.
  3. Focus on me...Okay...that sounds really selfish and I'm REALLY uncomfortable with it...but...I have a tendency to live in sub par conditions because, well, it's just me.  For example, I've lived with a stove in my kitchen that basically has not worked for 2 years.  All of my cooking has been in the microwave...How ridiculous is that?  I think all of the things I mentioned that have prevented me from going to visit my parents have been a blessing in disguise...because they are forcing me to invest time and energy in myself...the car, my kitchen and getting organized.  Last year was so hard...helping my dad financially be able to buy another house and move, getting him set up in the new house with furniture and basic things he needed...just tapped me out.  I couldn't help him and take care of myself in the process...I really have to get my own house in order before I will have enough energy to continue helping him.  So, the kitchen is the first big job to tackle...and it's a doozey but I will get it completed and will be SO proud!
  4. Be open to possibilities...One thing I've really lost over the past 10 years is my ability to see the possibility in things...I've just simply closed down and been focused on my job and getting the work done.  It's time to lift my head and look around...are there opportunities out there that could help me find more joy and peace...a new job? people to meet? ways of looking at things?  I do not know what the answers are to those questions but it's for damn sure that I will never know if I do not get out of my rut, raise my head up, look around and be open to new things.
So...this is my focus for 2011...I guess you could say these are my strategies for growth.  Now I need to come up with a well-defined tactical plan to get there...lots to think about and commitments to make to myself that will help me recognize and realize possibilities.

I hope you are excited about the possibilities ahead in the new year.  I look forward to growing with you all over the next 12 months.

Happy New Year!

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