Finally time to catch up...

I am so sorry for the long silence...life has sort of gotten in the way.  Sometimes, stress and drama lead me to write...other times, it just causes my writing genes to dry up.

Over the past couple of months, things have continued to decline with my mom.  She became exceptionally combative...to the point we have had to change her medication to where there are days she is basically out of it.  But, in all honesty, as bad as it sounds, it is far better for her to be peaceful and sleepy as opposed to angry and violent.  My biggest fear is that she will get kicked-out of the nursing home...then what?  There's no way we could take care of her at home and we cannot afford the skilled nursing care she absolutely must have.  The choices we face are hard and ugly...and miserable.

My dad seems to be okay...he is most definitely a creature of habit...visits my mother every single day...from 1 - 2 pm.  Not one minute earlier and never stays a minute longer.  I believe he is lonely.  It breaks my heart.  All I can do is try to be there for him.  I call him twice a day...seems like nothing...but I hope it helps him.  Now that spring is on the horizon, I hope to start going home every-other-weekend again.  Maybe that can help...but...for all I know, he may like being alone and dread my visits.

On a personal note, my kitchen disaster continues...but...there's light at the end of the tunnel...new kitchen cabinets were installed last week, new tile floor in the kitchen and foyer this week and new appliances to arrive next week.  I am so thankful that I had the support of a good insurance company (I heart MetLife) and resources to supplement the project to do it right.  Very grateful, indeed.

I promise to go a full month and half without posting again...well...unless life decides to get in the way again.

All the best,

BJ

Forced renovation...starts today

You may have heard of a "forced evacuation" but never a forced renovation before...uhm...well a forced renovation occurs when you live in an old house and everything decides to fall apart all at the same time...yep, literally all at the same time.

I live in a modest older home...sort of a fixer upper that I just haven't started fixer upping yet.  Two weeks ago, I loaded my dishwasher, turned it on and went upstairs to take a shower.  I came down 30 minutes later and...water was everywhere AND continuing to flow like a river from the blasted dishwasher.  The motor had shut off but water continued to fill up the washer and was pouring into the room...of course, in a huge panic, I had no idea what to do but stand there and talk to myself...out loud..."Think...what do I do?  What do I do?  How do I turn this !#$% thing off?"...over and over again as water continued to fill up my kitchen floor...

Well, I finally figured out there was a water shut off valve underneath the sink so I took care of that but then had the lovely task of mopping up the James River that was flowing throughout the downstairs of my house...UGH...I promptly went to Lowe's and bought a new dishwasher which was delivered the next day.  When the installer pulled out the old one, his only words were "WHOA...DUDE!"...uhm...not a good sign.

Apparently, the dishwasher had been leaking for a long...I mean LONG...time...long, as in years.  It had never leaked on top of the floor...all of the water had been going underneath the washer itself and underneath the linoleum.  The sub floor is completely rotted and...a fresh crop of mold has gloriously begun to grow.

Enter my homeowner's insurance...Lord, they have been wonderful!  So helpful and understanding of how upsetting this entire mess is.  So...I've met with the insurance company's recommended contractor and a mitigation company.  They are coming in today to begin demolition...they will remove:

• All free-standing "things" in the kitchen...fridge, washer, dryer, table, chairs and island
• Old dishwasher
• All built-in kitchen cabinets
• Linoleum
• Sub-floor
• (And tear out dry wall if mold has started to grow behind the cabinets)

The bright side is that my insurance is taking care of the entire repair...and I'll be getting a much needed renovation of the kitchen.  I've already purchased the new dishwasher.  I'm going to go ahead and get a new stove...again, much needed since only burner works on the old one.  The only downside...is that I have to endure this...I will be kitchenless for quite some time...HOWEVER...there are people that are homeless...I have nothing to complain about...AT ALL!  

I am blessed.

Pictures to follow tomorrow!

All the best,
BJ

My first ever gift from a boy...

Today I experienced one of those "Awww" moments that take you way back into your past...one that I will remember forever.  I've been fairly active on Facebook for quite some time but it has only been recently that I've reconnected with quite a few friends from elementary and high school.  It has been such a surprisingly warm hearted experience to hear from these people that are forever 6-year olds in my mind but, in reality, of course they are now adults.  To see these 6-year olds fast forward into their 40's has been amazing and shocking to my little brain.

Probably the most endearing conversation happened today...I heard from the first little boy that ever did anything nice for me...just because he wanted to...when we were in the 1st grade, knowing that jump rope was the rage on the playground, he gave me my very own jump rope as a Christmas gift.  I will never forget how happy and yet embarrassed I was...I didn't really know what to say or do.  It was so sweet and kind...I will simply never forget it.

The one constant question I've received from every single one of these school friends has been, "How's your mom?"  My mom was a very active 'Homeroom Mother"...she somehow made it to every single school holiday party (even though she never learned to drive and we lived over 5 miles away from the school)...showing up with cupcakes and smiles.  She was the 4-H Leader and was a big part of my schoolmates lives from 1st to 6th grade.  They all remember her and loved her...and they all are so sad to hear of her decline.  So am I...I miss that Jo Ann...as a kid, I was always so proud of her...and I still am.

Love you, mom.  I'll always remember you the way you were when I was in 1st grade...the best Homeroom Mother ever.

All the best,
BJ

History...

Given the luxury of having this entire week off, on top of the fact the weather has been snowy, today I focused on nesting and cleaning...Lord, this is awesome!  Cleaning out a closet beats a day at the office any day of the week!

I cleaned out the most disgusting closet ever and, boy, oh boy...was I ever rewarded! I discovered a long ago forgotten huge bag of things that once belonged to my grandmother.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered 2 beautiful, old handmade quilts.  One is almost 150 years old!  It scares me...I'm terrified I will destroy it because it seems to be very fragile.  More on that one in a later post.

The other one is not quite as old...probably around 75 to 80 years old and it's in good shape!  So...I wanted to find a cool way to use it and make sure it's a part of my home...here's what I came up with:

I never use my dining room so I don't have to worry about spilling anything on it...yet it's still prominently displayed.  I'm so excited!!!

For those of you snowed-in up north, I hope you are safe and warm and nesting like me!

All the best, 

BJ

Scenes from my house on Sunday...

I'll do it later...

Image courtesy of Cate Anevski

Wow...what a busy day...let's just say I certainly would be happy if I had a buck for every leaf I have raked, blown, bagged and/or cursed.  Lord have mercy...I am tired!  But...my yard is starting to look good again...clean and polished.  It's almost like wiping the slate clean...

That's sort of how I'm feeling these days...I want to wipe the slate clean...start over...and redo everything in my life from my job, relationships, to my house and even how I organize my god-awful closet.  But even though I want to just start the heck over...I simply  can't seem to do it...I look at everything that needs to be done and the words "I'll do it later, tomorrow, next week" come into my head...I think I'm depressed because this is just not like me.  I'm a doer...just get up and get 'er done.  But I can't seem to do anything now and when I do get myself in motion, I just flat out screw up everything...sigh...

The logical part of me knows that I should go to the doctor and get on an antidepressant...I mean...the holidays are depressing enough, but add on top of it everything going on with my family right now, I'm doomed for one long depressive episode.  But...I'm so hesitant...I can't even get myself motivated to go see a doctor.  How ridiculous is this? 

On a different note, my dad called me while visiting my mom today so I could talk with my mother...it has been a couple of weeks since she had been able to talk.  It was so hard to have that conversation...well, it wasn't really a conversation.  She didn't make one bit of sense...at all.  She went on and on about birds in pictures and how her bed is hooked up to something that allows her to hear "their" conversations about her and how they are going to kick her out of the nursing home.  Oh, and some guy had a black eye because he was telling her the truth about all that is going on...sigh...

I'm left with a feeling of being overwhelmed...simply unable to cope with it all.  I'm stuck...stuck in a vicious cycle of immobility and depression.  What is the answer?   If you have any ideas, please let me know...I could use some suggestions as to how to break the vicious cycle of funk I'm in.

Thinking...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this blog...I really don't want it to be such a downer.  I guess the true reality is that there's no happy ending to this diary.  My mother is physically in a nursing home but she has been gone from us mentally for many years.  She will die in this nursing home and my dad will live alone for his remaining years.  But I don't want sadness and loss to be the focus of this diary.

I want to make sure that I capture not only this journey we are on, but I also hope to remember the times we've shared in the past...good and bad.  I guess I really want to celebrate Bob & Jo Ann's life, recognize how hard they have worked and how hard their lives have been.

There's nothing really new to report...my mom continues to slip away...ever so quietly...a little each day.  She is alert and able to speak but...she rarely makes any sense.  God love her.

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christmas and how much we all loved it when I was a kid...memories have been simmering that I haven't thought of in years...like the year my mom put up a silver tinsel tree instead of a real tree...how utterly mortified I was...I was 5 years old and felt as though Christmas had been stolen from us.

I've also uncovered a ton of old old OLD photos that I hope to share.  I'll be scanning them and including them in posts over the next few weeks.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. And...I hope you will continue to read this blog.  I promise to not be a Debbie Downer...it really is true that getting older is not for the faint of heart...but I promise to share the good, funny, entertaining, (hopefully) enlightening with the the sad.

All the best,
BJ

Visions?

Even if this is nothing more than a load of crap, I surely hope it's true.  Greeting the dying

Getting my mind off of my worries...

Whew...what a whirlwind the past few days have been.  I have a huge mishmash of emotions to get through...sadness of saying goodbye to the home I grew up in, watching my mother slip away due to the effects of dementia and the hurt of watching my dad go through it all.  I just can't write about it right now.  I took loads of photos that I want to share but I've got to sort through it in my crazy head.

I'm spending this weekend trying to just not think about it.  I've gone on an organizing tear...I've joined the "Kitchen Cure"...nothing makes me feel as though I've not been a total slug than cleaning something out...and, believe me, I was raised to be a pack rat so there's about 46 years worth of crap I need to clean out...so...

I'm starting with the kitchen...I'll post photos as I go through and, hopefully, work a miracle.  I hope you'll join me!  And...I will continue on with Bob & Jo Ann's story...I just need to deal with it myself right now.

All the best,
BJ

The long drive home...

This is what got me through the long drive to West Virginia tonight

Hurry up and wait...is okay by me!

Sunflowers from my garden

Just as I was ready to walk out the door to head to WV this morning, I received a call from my dad's Realtor.  Closing on my parent's house has been postponed until Friday.  So...I took today to just chill out...I've slept, read blogs, watched the rescue of the Chilean miners (which just blows me away, by the way) and just generally vegged out...and enjoyed every single minute of it.

I have such a hard time of relaxing without guilt.  I guess from my vantage point there just always seems to be so much to get done.  I feel incredibly guilty about doing nothing when the list of things to get done is crazy long.

But I think about those 33 miners...they all probably had long lists of to-dos...honey-do lists from their wives and family, personal goals they were working towards...and they were all put into perspective for over 2 months.  There are so many lessons to learn from this amazing, tragic and frightening event.

I'm amazed at the story of the "white butterfly".  It is incredibly to hear how they worked together to keep every single person alive...they created their own society, with everyone playing a critical role.  The guy that was the  medic, the man that became the spiritual leader, the guy that is the ULTIMATE Elvis fan and led them all in songs.  One of the things I'm most freaked out by is seeing how GREAT they all look coming out of that dark, dirty hole...I don't even want to think about what MY hair would look like after 60 days in a hole!  These guys are a true testament to the good in world.

I know I sometimes (most of the time) get bogged down in the stress and frustration that is going on with my family right now and my stalled career.  But...deep down I do know that their are good people in this world and we all can work together, united in the goal of the greater good.

You know, I think maybe I need to take more veggin' out days...I seem to view the world in a different light after a few hours of sleep and rest!

All the best,
BJ

I want to make this real...

Waiting...

Just sitting here waiting...waiting incessantly for my mother's doctor to call me back.  The nursing home tried relentlessly over the weekend to page him.  He did not respond.  America's health care system at it's finest.  Once again my mother is falling through the cracks. 

A day off...

Today I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders...life can be so hectic...I'm just tired.  I'll continue Bob & Jo Ann's story tomorrow...or maybe later today.  I'm just in a funk.