Finally time to catch up...

I am so sorry for the long silence...life has sort of gotten in the way.  Sometimes, stress and drama lead me to write...other times, it just causes my writing genes to dry up.

Over the past couple of months, things have continued to decline with my mom.  She became exceptionally combative...to the point we have had to change her medication to where there are days she is basically out of it.  But, in all honesty, as bad as it sounds, it is far better for her to be peaceful and sleepy as opposed to angry and violent.  My biggest fear is that she will get kicked-out of the nursing home...then what?  There's no way we could take care of her at home and we cannot afford the skilled nursing care she absolutely must have.  The choices we face are hard and ugly...and miserable.

My dad seems to be okay...he is most definitely a creature of habit...visits my mother every single day...from 1 - 2 pm.  Not one minute earlier and never stays a minute longer.  I believe he is lonely.  It breaks my heart.  All I can do is try to be there for him.  I call him twice a day...seems like nothing...but I hope it helps him.  Now that spring is on the horizon, I hope to start going home every-other-weekend again.  Maybe that can help...but...for all I know, he may like being alone and dread my visits.

On a personal note, my kitchen disaster continues...but...there's light at the end of the tunnel...new kitchen cabinets were installed last week, new tile floor in the kitchen and foyer this week and new appliances to arrive next week.  I am so thankful that I had the support of a good insurance company (I heart MetLife) and resources to supplement the project to do it right.  Very grateful, indeed.

I promise to go a full month and half without posting again...well...unless life decides to get in the way again.

All the best,

BJ

Happy 59th Anniversary, Bob & Jo Ann

Restrained

My dad just called.  My mother is becoming violent almost constantly now.  She hits my dad and the staff with her fists and kicks them with her feet.  She may have to be restrained.  Today her doctor visited the nursing home.  They are running tests to rule out more infection in her body somewhere.  If there's no infection, that means her dementia is rapidly advancing.   If that's the case, we are requesting they medicate her.  She is so bad that we are afraid the nursing home will kick her out.  We have no where to take her and cannot take care of her ourselves.

Why does it have to come to this?

Scary Dreams

Yesterday when my dad visited my mom in the nursing home, he was somewhat relieved to see her a bit more lucid.  Oh, the hallucinations were still there but not quite as bad as in recent days.  The demons are ever present...just more under control yesterday.  Somehow she was able to keep them at bay.

We've finally figured out that mom refers to her hallucinations as "dreams"...

Bob:       Hi honey!  How are you feeling today?

Jo Ann:   I...I don't know honey...

Bob:      What's on your mind today?

Jo Ann:  Well...you know...I'm just tryin' to figure things out...I'm so confused...

Bob:       What are you trying to figure out?

Jo Ann:  Well, sometimes I dream and...I can't tell what's a dream and what's real.  I'm so scared.

I can think of nothing worse...being confined to a bed, unable to move and having evil, scary monsters paraded in front of you, telling you frightening things...yelling at you...threatening you...not being able to tell the scary monsters apart from reality.

Mother nature is a bitch.

A phone call from dad...

Sunday night my dad called me before I had a chance to call him.  He was lonely and worried.  My mother is back to hallucinating non-stop.  She accused him of leaving her...she kept saying "you're going to be getting married in a few minutes"...he is so completely worn down.  It makes me so sad and scared...scared to hear my dad so vulnerable.  He has every right to be tired...it's just that he is so strong and faces everything with nothing but positive thoughts and high hopes.  That has all changed because he knows there's not a happy ending for mom.  He commented to me that he "wonders if this is the end"...

I'm terrified.

US healthcare at its finest?...I hope not!

It's hella early on Sunday morning...I woke up at 3:00 AM and I'm still awake...seems to be my pattern lately.  Wake up at 3:00 AM, hop online, become freakishly tired by 5:00 AM...go back to sleep and...you guessed it...not be able to wake up when the alarm goes off.  I guess I just have too much on my mind these days.  But, who doesn't?  The world just seems to be going to hell in a hand basket...today there was what looked like a massacre to me in Arizona.  A Congresswoman was shot point blank in the head and numerous others were shot and/or killed as well.  What kind of world do we live in?

The last time I posted, my mother had been taken to the hospital from the nursing home with pneumonia.  Now, mind you, this was based upon a physical exam by HER doctor and a review of chest X-rays taken at the nursing home.  The hospital started her on oxygen and IV antibiotics.  Based upon review of their own X-rays, they confirmed pneumonia.  After 3 days, they were perplexed that she was not responding to the antibiotics...Hmmm...let's see...how about we run some blood work?  I mean, we wouldn't want to rush anything...Yeah...after 3 days, let's run some blood work for sure...WOW...what's this???  Looks like some sort of infection...Hmmmm...let's do a urinalysis...UH OH....she has a raging urinary tract infection....let's look at those X-rays again...well, shoot...what were we thinking???  She doesn't have pneumonia.  She has a urinary tract infection.  

So...after 4 days in the hospital and being given IV antibiotics focused on clearing up pneumonia, my mother was sent back to the nursing home with a urinary tract infection.  I am clearly not a physician but...how do you confuse a urinary tract infection with pneumonia, especially after viewing two different sets of X-rays?  Wouldn't you think somebody would've figured it out before 4 days of being in the hospital on potent drugs...the wrong potent drugs for the infection she REALLY has?  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful it's not pneumonia but this just does not appear to be healthcare at its finest.

*Sigh...*

"Pickaway"

Today I was in a meeting at work.  My cell phone kept ringing.  The first couple of times I didn't even look to see who was calling...just turned the ringer to vibrate.  After the 3rd call within 10 minutes, I finally had the God given sense to look to see who was calling me...what on earth could be so urgent?  How rude!  Didn't people realize I am busy?

It was my dad.

The nursing home called my mother's doctor yesterday once they saw the extreme mental decline, marked increase in confusion and severe hallucinations.  The doctor came to see her early this morning and quickly saw that something was wrong...bad wrong

He ordered a chest X-ray.  Comes to find out, my mother has pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital where she is getting oxygen and IV anitbiotics.  

The call from my dad made me so sad.  I could hear the panic in his voice.  He said, "It used to be that pneumonia meant the end.  Do you think it's still like that?"  Of course I responded with "NO"!  I explained that with today's advanced antibiotics and treatment, outcomes are nothing like they used to be for pneumonia.  But I could still hear the fear and worry in his voice and the thoughts I knew were going through his mind.

For some reason an old memory popped in my head today...it has nothing to do with being sick at all...not sure why I couldn't get this off my mind.  I remember at even the youngest age...probably 4 or 5, I always felt very protective of my mother and knew that she needed to be taken care of.  I honestly remember at 4 years old, trying to mother her.  Even back then, I looked at her as my child.  My parents never had much money...they were very frugal.  Growing up I never had everything I wanted, just everything I needed.  (Which, by the way, is exactly as it should have been and should be today, in my humble opinion.)  

Every summer I would get one pair of sandals and one pair of tennis shoes.  We would get them at PicWay Shoe Store or "Pickaway" as my mother would pronounce it.  I remember loving the smell inside the store...no, probably not leather...just vinyl with rubber soles or pleather or whatever the shoes were made of...but it smelled so good to me.  I can vividly remember one summer, before I was even old enough to be in school, we went on our annual trek to get new sandals.  I quickly picked out my favorite pair and my mother took me to the checkout counter.  I remember the worry...panic...that my mother didn't have enough money to pay for the shoes.  I can recall pulling her arm as we walked to the register and whispering, "Mommy, are you sure you have enough money to pay for this?"  I knew she never ever had much in the way of money.  I don't know why I had this fear as a child...she had never gone to pay for something without enough money...but I always wanted to spare her any embarrassment.  I worried so very much about her.

I'm still worried about beautiful Jo Ann and my true and faithful Bob.

Sunday was a bad day...

I cried while I was at Target today.  You know, I'm really focused on making sure the things I share in this diary are not all sad.  I do NOT want to be a constant Debbie Downer...but...there will be times when there's sad news.  Sunday was one of those days...a bad day.

Oh the day started out fine...a normal Sunday morning...cleaning up around the house, some laundry, coffee while watching morning television in my pajamas.  I decided I would go into my office to try to "ease" myself back into work mode after being on vacation for 2 weeks.  I went in with promise of one little guilty pleasure as a reward...I stopped in Target to just walk around and treat myself to one little useless item...no idea what it would be but it was something to look forward to.

While I was in Target, my dad called me.  From the tone of his voice, I could tell that something was wrong.   He had gone to visit my mom in the nursing home.  As he walked by the nurse's station, one of my mother's nurses stopped him.  She shared that my mother was having a very bad day...she was having severe hallucinations.  Now, the interesting thing here is that we've been telling the nursing staff and my mother's doctor that she is having severe hallucinations for months.  They all deny that she is...I cannot tell you how frustrating this is...we see it, we experience it with her, we see the fear and absolute confused state that she is in EVERY DAY...but we cannot get the nursing home to agree that she is hallucinating.  She tells us she sees scary monsters and people coming into her room to yell at her...people telling her bad things about our family...things like my dad is cheating on her.  But...the staff and the doctor just do not see it and refuse to even evaluate her for this next phase of dementia.  So much for US healthcare.  My guess...and keep in mind this is just a guess...is that she is probably at Stage 6 of the 7 stages of dementia.

Today apparently was a day filled with non-stop hallucinations that were intense and frightening.  My dad couldn't really reach her.  Always before, my dad could calm her down...but she has advanced to a place where she simply cannot be reached.  When I think about what my mother is experiencing, it simply tears me up...to think of her being afraid and no way to calm her down is torture.  What must it be like?  You're laying there and see strange people, scary men threatening her if she opens her eyes or even talks to us.  Seeing things, hearing voices yelling at her...I can barely stand the thought of how she is suffering.  And, on top of it, to hear the overwhelming sadness and grief in my dad's voice scares me.  My dad has always had everything under control...always calm and methodical in his approach to fixing things.  But he can't fix this...neither can I...there's nothing we can do accept be there for her and pray that the demons she is battling will somehow let us comfort her.

This is all evolving so rapidly...I just want to roll back the hands of time and have one more Christmas with us all together...the laughter...seeing my mom gush over every single gift regardless of what it was.  But I can't.   I think today, standing in the Housewares section of Target, I realized that we are heading into a terrifying phase with my mother...one that will not have a happy ending.  We are grieving the loss of my mother even though she is physically here.

I simply feel lost.

What's going on at my house this morning...

Taking a look inside...

I've been thinking a lot about 2011 and what I hope to accomplish...I have never made a New Year's Resolution...trust me, I'm just not good at goal setting...but I do think I've learned a lot over the past year and want to make some changes in my life based upon those life lessons...

1. Come to terms with my mom's illness and decline...Okay...see...I told you I'm not good at setting realistic goals!  This one is a biggie...and I don't know if I have enough time left on this earth to pull it off because it's going to take decades...I'm not even sure it is possible.  I so completely miss her...I never had the typical mother/daughter relationship with my mom.  I was, for the most part, the mother...even when I was just a child.  I can remember going with her to doctor's appointments (for her) at the age of 13.  She would just be there staring out into space and I would talk with doctor about her condition, medication, treatment, etc.  My dad had a job that prevented him from going to most doctor appointments, so I was his stand-in.  Part of me feels as though I'm watching my child die a slow and painful death.  But I do want to try to get emotionally stronger.  My dad is such an incredible role model for me...he is so strong and is dealing with the entire situation with grace and humility.I aspire to be like him.
2. Get back to visiting Mom & Dad on a regular basis...over the past two months it has literally been one thing after another...a car accident, bad weather and now, the disaster in my kitchen that has prevented me from being able to go visit and help them.  I have a feeling the next couple of months will be riddled with various snow storms but hopefully I can work some trips up there and provide them with more support and help.
3. Focus on me...Okay...that sounds really selfish and I'm REALLY uncomfortable with it...but...I have a tendency to live in sub par conditions because, well, it's just me.  For example, I've lived with a stove in my kitchen that basically has not worked for 2 years.  All of my cooking has been in the microwave...How ridiculous is that?  I think all of the things I mentioned that have prevented me from going to visit my parents have been a blessing in disguise...because they are forcing me to invest time and energy in myself...the car, my kitchen and getting organized.  Last year was so hard...helping my dad financially be able to buy another house and move, getting him set up in the new house with furniture and basic things he needed...just tapped me out.  I couldn't help him and take care of myself in the process...I really have to get my own house in order before I will have enough energy to continue helping him.  So, the kitchen is the first big job to tackle...and it's a doozey but I will get it completed and will be SO proud!
4. Be open to possibilities...One thing I've really lost over the past 10 years is my ability to see the possibility in things...I've just simply closed down and been focused on my job and getting the work done.  It's time to lift my head and look around...are there opportunities out there that could help me find more joy and peace...a new job?...new people to meet?...new ways of looking at things?  I do not know what the answers are to those questions but it's for damn sure that I will never know if I do not get out of my rut, raise my head up, look around and be open to new things.

So...this is my focus for 2011...I guess you could say these are my strategies for growth.  Now I need to come up with a well-defined tactical plan to get there...lots to think about and commitments to make to myself that will help me recognize and realize possibilities.

I hope you are excited about the possibilities ahead in the new year.  I look forward to growing with you all over the next 12 months.

Happy New Year!

BJ

Happy New Year!

Dear new friends,
Happy New Year!  I hope 2011 brings each of you happiness and joy. Thank you for joining me on this journey with  my parents.

All the best!
BJ

PS...did you realize today's date is 1/1/11???

Forced renovation...Day 1

And so, the saga of the Great Flood of 2010 begins...as I shared with you yesterday, I've apparently had a leak from my dishwasher for years...all of the water has been leaking underneath the linoleum and rotting the floor...yesterday, work began to remove the old subfloor and mold and begin the process of drying out everything in the kitchen.  So...do I really need to say anything about the picture above...other than FREAKIN' NIGHTMARE?  Oh...and the one thing this photo can't share is the stench from the rotting, moldy, mildewy, musty...and every other adjective for SMELLY you can think of...stench...I swear the poor men that came to work on this mess had to walk out several times to get fresh air.

That photo was taken just as I had pulled everything out of the bottom cabinets but before I started putting everything into boxes...the dishwasher had been removed...and, yes, they found mold and, as the guy from the mitigation company described it "some sort of fungus"...great...

This photo was taken after the funky first two layers of floor were removed along with the completely rotten and moldy layer of plywood.  Thankfully they found that only 1/2 of the sub floor was damaged.  They left me with three huge fans, one dehumidifier and one "air scrubber" (not in this photo) that will remove mold spores from the air.  On tap for Friday is the removal of the bottom cabinets and the determination of whether or not there is enough damage to warrant the insurance company replacing the cabinets...fingers are crossed!

I realize that, in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing...it's just a big deal for me right now.  Thanks for listening and letting me vent...

All the best,

BJ

Forced renovation...starts today

You may have heard of a "forced evacuation" but never a forced renovation before...uhm...well a forced renovation occurs when you live in an old house and everything decides to fall apart all at the same time...yep, literally all at the same time.

I live in a modest older home...sort of a fixer upper that I just haven't started fixer upping yet.  Two weeks ago, I loaded my dishwasher, turned it on and went upstairs to take a shower.  I came down 30 minutes later and...water was everywhere AND continuing to flow like a river from the blasted dishwasher.  The motor had shut off but water continued to fill up the washer and was pouring into the room...of course, in a huge panic, I had no idea what to do but stand there and talk to myself...out loud..."Think...what do I do?  What do I do?  How do I turn this !#$% thing off?"...over and over again as water continued to fill up my kitchen floor...

Well, I finally figured out there was a water shut off valve underneath the sink so I took care of that but then had the lovely task of mopping up the James River that was flowing throughout the downstairs of my house...UGH...I promptly went to Lowe's and bought a new dishwasher which was delivered the next day.  When the installer pulled out the old one, his only words were "WHOA...DUDE!"...uhm...not a good sign.

Apparently, the dishwasher had been leaking for a long...I mean LONG...time...long, as in years.  It had never leaked on top of the floor...all of the water had been going underneath the washer itself and underneath the linoleum.  The sub floor is completely rotted and...a fresh crop of mold has gloriously begun to grow.

Enter my homeowner's insurance...Lord, they have been wonderful!  So helpful and understanding of how upsetting this entire mess is.  So...I've met with the insurance company's recommended contractor and a mitigation company.  They are coming in today to begin demolition...they will remove:

• All free-standing "things" in the kitchen...fridge, washer, dryer, table, chairs and island
• Old dishwasher
• All built-in kitchen cabinets
• Linoleum
• Sub-floor
• (And tear out dry wall if mold has started to grow behind the cabinets)

The bright side is that my insurance is taking care of the entire repair...and I'll be getting a much needed renovation of the kitchen.  I've already purchased the new dishwasher.  I'm going to go ahead and get a new stove...again, much needed since only burner works on the old one.  The only downside...is that I have to endure this...I will be kitchenless for quite some time...HOWEVER...there are people that are homeless...I have nothing to complain about...AT ALL!  

I am blessed.

Pictures to follow tomorrow!

All the best,
BJ

My first ever gift from a boy...

Today I experienced one of those "Awww" moments that take you way back into your past...one that I will remember forever.  I've been fairly active on Facebook for quite some time but it has only been recently that I've reconnected with quite a few friends from elementary and high school.  It has been such a surprisingly warm hearted experience to hear from these people that are forever 6-year olds in my mind but, in reality, of course they are now adults.  To see these 6-year olds fast forward into their 40's has been amazing and shocking to my little brain.

Probably the most endearing conversation happened today...I heard from the first little boy that ever did anything nice for me...just because he wanted to...when we were in the 1st grade, knowing that jump rope was the rage on the playground, he gave me my very own jump rope as a Christmas gift.  I will never forget how happy and yet embarrassed I was...I didn't really know what to say or do.  It was so sweet and kind...I will simply never forget it.

The one constant question I've received from every single one of these school friends has been, "How's your mom?"  My mom was a very active 'Homeroom Mother"...she somehow made it to every single school holiday party (even though she never learned to drive and we lived over 5 miles away from the school)...showing up with cupcakes and smiles.  She was the 4-H Leader and was a big part of my schoolmates lives from 1st to 6th grade.  They all remember her and loved her...and they all are so sad to hear of her decline.  So am I...I miss that Jo Ann...as a kid, I was always so proud of her...and I still am.

Love you, mom.  I'll always remember you the way you were when I was in 1st grade...the best Homeroom Mother ever.

All the best,
BJ

History...

Given the luxury of having this entire week off, on top of the fact the weather has been snowy, today I focused on nesting and cleaning...Lord, this is awesome!  Cleaning out a closet beats a day at the office any day of the week!

I cleaned out the most disgusting closet ever and, boy, oh boy...was I ever rewarded! I discovered a long ago forgotten huge bag of things that once belonged to my grandmother.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered 2 beautiful, old handmade quilts.  One is almost 150 years old!  It scares me...I'm terrified I will destroy it because it seems to be very fragile.  More on that one in a later post.

The other one is not quite as old...probably around 75 to 80 years old and it's in good shape!  So...I wanted to find a cool way to use it and make sure it's a part of my home...here's what I came up with:

I never use my dining room so I don't have to worry about spilling anything on it...yet it's still prominently displayed.  I'm so excited!!!

For those of you snowed-in up north, I hope you are safe and warm and nesting like me!

All the best, 

BJ

A conversation with Jo Ann

Yesterday my dad called me while visiting my mom...she was having a semi-lucid day without evidence of what seems to be her ever-present hallucinations.  Her voice sounded weak...that of an old woman...which is so hard for me to realize is what my mother is now.

We had a nice conversation and it almost felt like it was mom.  How was Christmas?  She understood why I couldn't be home due to the weather and actually preferred that I not put myself in harm's way.  How are my cats doing?  What about the one named Mazie Grace...could she see now?  (Mazie is blind.)  What about the two little ones I rescued back in the fall?  Had I found them homes yet?  Her memory was so amazing relative to how she has been in the past few weeks...out of all my cats she could remember one of their names and get so specific as to remember that she is blind...amazing.

It was so nice to have that conversation with mom...it really was a conversation this time...not some rambling jumble of conversational bits that made no sense...at least not until we got to the end of our phone call.  She had been fine and was clear as a bell...then she said "honey, you remember that man...the one that laughs so silly all the time?  He's in here all the time and knows your dad really well.  I don't think he has much sense.  Plus, he makes all of those weird faces...I think maybe there's something wrong with him.  He was talking to your dad and he really wants to get to know you better.  Now honey, you be careful...he says he wants to take you to dinner...he ain't quite right and I'm just not so sure about him, what with him laughin' and makin' them weird faces and all..."

I had no idea who she was talking about...my dad took the phone from her and explained that there was no weird man (thank goodness...I certainly do not want to be having dinner with a weirdo..).  My mother was hallucinating...and when my dad said the 'hallucinating' word, I could hear my mother protesting in the background..."I KNOW I heard him say that, honey...I am NOT hallucinating...he's the one that makes all of them weird faces...and talks all the time..."

We have come to the realization that the hallucinations are with her constantly...she just covers them up at times. My prayer is that they do not frighten her.

Bless her heart.

BJ

Scenes from my house on Sunday...

Another Christmas has come and gone...

So hard to believe another Christmas has come and gone...it just seems to be over so quickly.  All that planning and organizing and working so very hard to get it all just right and...POOF! It's over.  This year was bitter sweet for me.  Since I didn't get to make it home, it really didn't feel like Christmas.  But, I so completely enjoyed being in my own house, watching TV, cooking soup in the crock pot, knitting, napping and waiting on the coming snow storm.  Lord, this was heavenly.  Part of me feels like this is the ghost of Christmas future coming to visit me...giving me a glimpse of what is yet to come.

As my parents are approaching the end of their lives, holidays for me will take on a new meaning.  Today helped me see that I will have a choice in the impact these memory-filled days impact me.  I can be lonely, living in the past and sad...OR...I can chose to relish the down time and replenish my spirit...like I did today.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and made lots of memories with those you love.  But, I also hope you took some down time for yourself, to recharge your batteries and simply absorb the beauty of this season.

Thanks for stopping by Bob & Jo Ann's today!

All the best,
BJ

Bummer...

Well, my trip home has been postponed due to the weather.  The car was packed and I was heading West when I called my dad.  He said it was pouring the snow and wasn't supposed to slow up until tomorrow.   I turned around and headed back to my home.  So...I've opted to wait a few days and then head home.

I'm a little sad...but also a little excited to be home, watch TV, knit and sleep!  I'm so excited...I don't know what to do first.  Usually, I'm always cleaning something or organizing things or, even worse...working.  But today is a day when I can just lay around and do nothing and have NO guilt!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday with their family and making many memories!

All the best,
BJ

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from Bob & Jo Ann!